Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize