quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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