I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
