Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
