WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize