Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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