Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
