All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
