the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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