I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize