I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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