ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
