you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
