I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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