I wish I only lived at night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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