Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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