I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The power of my boobs compel you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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