So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
