Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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