she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize