Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
