I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
