Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
