I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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