I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize