It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
