I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
are you so shy because you have an std?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
