AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
