my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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