Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
