sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
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