does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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