You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
