I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
