Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
