When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
