Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How does it feel to date your dad?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
