Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
