When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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