at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize