Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize