so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
