the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
