happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
