Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
