Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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