apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
