Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
