I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
