Can i not drive my cunt home
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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