my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
