dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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