I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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