Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I look better un-naked...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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