accomplished twins. life is a go
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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