just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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