I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
