if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
