You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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