Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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