how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
