I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
