We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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