Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
